BS: Today I am honored to have with me the testicles of Ivan the Terrible, the Tsar of Russia from 1547-1584.

IT: You vill call us Ivan Testicles.

BS: Uh, yes, Ivan the Testicles. Ivan was the first Russian ruler to be formally crowned as tsar. The first 13 years of Ivan’s reign was a great period of external expansion and centralization of state power. After 1560 Ivan is remembered more for his erratic behavior and brutality than statesmanship. In 1570 he ravaged the town of Novgorod and ordered the slaying of thousands because he thought they were conspiring against him. Ten years later he killed his eldest son in a fit of rage.

IT: Ha ha!

BS: How fortunate that you were so close to him, that we have an eyewitness to such a fascinatingly notorious figure of history.

ILT: Khwho, me?

BS: Um, well, both of you.

ILT: You vill call me Ivan Left Testicle, and khe Ivan Right Testicle.

IRT: Ve khave our own distinct personalities you know.

BS: Well, yes. How, uh, how was Ivan’s childhood? I know that his parents died and he was an orphan from the age of 8.

IRT: Yes, khis mother died ven khe vas three. Definitely dis vas very damaging to khis ego. I remember ven khe vas about 6, khe would have terrible tantrums, and khis father would come and beat khim with vodka bottle. Ivan vould bite khis father though. One time khe bit khis father’s wrist and broke artery. Very bloody.

BS: Did his father think that his son may have an emotional problem?

IRT: Violence is pretty normal in Russia.

BS: Ok, so ve know that khe khad, I mean, we know that he had a difficult childhood. After his father died he was raised by the ruling class, the "Boyers", who probably didn’t give him much attention. He probably spent too much on video games and we know he had a tendency toward violence. Then he decided to get married at 17.

IT: Yaaaahhvoo!!

BS: How was marriage for him?

IRT: It was better for us!

ILT: Yah!

BS: (Shakes head) I knew this would become a teenage comedy. Forget it. This one’s no good. I’ll leave it here. I KNEW it I KNEW it!

(The sketch above has been forwarded to Dr. Quincy Sicketts for psychoanalysis)

Hello, I’m Doctor Quincy Sicketts. After analyzing this sketch, it’s obvious that this so-called journalist is seriously ill. The testicles in the sketch are his alter egos. A journalist with a repressed ego often talks about testicles as a mask to relieve tension through the absurdity of it. In other words, he finds the word testicles funny because it is a form of release for him. Then, by creating testicles as characters in a sketch, he is able to act out his fantasies and express his hostilities in a benign matter. Notice the testicles are aggressive toward each other, an indication of his inner conflicts. Also, notice the Ivan the Terrible fantasy. He did not choose, say, Pablo Picasso’s testicles, or Abraham Lincoln’s testicles, he chose a mass murderer’s testicles, and portrays his testicles as horny little bastards. I’ve looked over his other satires, and they certainly are fascinating for us to analyze. They all feature a kind of self-satisfaction at his own ideas and attitudes. What is interesting is that he pokes fun at self-satisfied people. I think that indicates that he is enormously conceited, and probably very sexually active, with enormous sex organs. Not only that, he now imitates a psychiatrist analyzing him. So he analyzes himself through another voice, and you don’t know just how honest he is being, or whether he is laughing at you, the audience. My recommendation is cognitive group therapy at my office starting next Tuesday night. My fee is only $300 per minute, but I know I can help him. Anyone else feel desperate, need someone to talk to, feel stuck? Please call me and I may be able to help you, or you can buy one of my books! For an autograpERROR: File size reached limit.