"The Deadening Silence: Being Deaf and Dumb in the Postmodern American University"; Albert Mony will discuss the postmodern university and its deafness, and how the university rises from adversity to achieve mediocrity. Also known as "Being Hearing-impaired and Intellectually Challenged in the Postmodern American University." Professor Mony stresses that this lecture will be open to all, regardless of race, gender, or species.

"Coffee Mugs in the Workplace", a 2 hour lecture on the condition of coffee mugs in corporate America and their influence on corporate structures, with special reference to half-and-half. Follow-up of "Coffee on the Glass Ceiling." To be presented by Edwina Nasalson, HR representative from Microcommunopaction, Inc.

"Good Health and You: Things You Can Do for your Health and What Your Good Health will do for You." 6 part series on being healthy and eating healthy and staying healthy and what a healthy body will do for your health. To be presented by the healthy Adam Thickel, president of Healthy Bodies Health Spas, Inc.

"The Media and Air Bags", the relationship between the problem of air bags and their potentially harmful effects and the media’s reporting of these potentially harmful effects and the potentially harmful effects of the media and its relationship to air bags. Please drive carefully.

"Baby-boomers and Generation-X and Their Relationships to Cheese", a one hour discussion about differing feelings and attitudes between generations toward cheddar and gouda cheese. Felicia Greenbacher, lecturer, executive vice president of Clacker Cheese Co.

"Multicultural Multicolored Art and its Multifacetedness among the Multitudes", a 5 part lecture series on the multifarious multidimensional arts in a multinational setting. To be presented by the multitalented multiethnic millionaire Jonathan Wicker. Sponsored by the multilateral Millis Foundation of Medford, Ma.

"Psychotic Tendencies: How to Stop Living and Start Dreaming", to be presented by Walter Booty. A short dialogue on the acceptance of psychotics in society and requirements for inclusion in the Psychotic Oobaooba Foundation.

"Bean Smoking and its Effects on Society", a short lecture by Dr. W. Fleebug to cover the problem of bean smoking and the detrimental effects on health care costs among low income homosexual minority smokers with disabilities.

"The Esthetics of Finger Painting in Teachers’ Education", a series of lectures on elementary school teachers’ professional training and accreditation programs with emphasis on collages and free association. To be presented by Mary Sintleman of the Nashonal Edication Fundamation and George Blandey of the Association for the Advancement of Ink.

"Big Tobacco: How They Keep Getting Bigger and Bigger and Are Trying to Kill Us All!" a lecture by Dr. Q. Tremble on the dangers of nicotine, is on hold, depending on the recovery of Dr. Tremble.

"Socialism and the Politics of Breast Cancer: How They Complement Each Other." Dr. Mari Piddleton will discuss the theory of mammarian egalitarianism and gives new meaning to the phrase "socialist boob." Will be free only for people who first attend the Celebration of the Earth festival.

"Alien Abduction Theorists and Law School Professors: How Each Group Marginalizes Native Americans." Renegade Law Professor Tammy Ho discusses her insecurities and her phobias and how they were created by aliens who took her brain and replaced it with a new one which was taken from a womyn with polio.

"The Therapeutic Value of Peat Moss," a seminar about the value of peat moss in our daily lives, how it can revive the mind, body, and spirit, and how to add it to your favorite meals. Sponsored by the Mind, Body, Lawn, Garden, and Kitchen Club.

"Seat Belts, Wear Them or Else," two-part lecture series sponsored by the Cracked Cranium Club. Attendance is mandatory.

"How to Be Square," sponsored by John Smith and Tom Lee, the "Honkies of Hackensack", is a seminar on how to lose all sense of irony, humor, paradox, and especially imagination. Meat and potatoes with Bud will be served. Whites only.

"Do What I Say, or Reap Eternal Damnation." Learn how to convince yourself that you know everything and how to get people to do what you want. Cult training manual provided. Next week at 8:00, don't miss it or risk your salvation.

"Presidential Legacy Series: Bill Clinton, the president's seminar on how to get an intern to say yes to a blow job. Please call for tickets soon, they are almost gone! (Not open to "How to Be Square" attendees)