Department of Homeland Security Expands Terror Watchlists to Include All Carbon Life Forms

The Department of Homeland Security, in response to the lapse that allowed a man with explosives to board a flight to the U.S. even though he was flagged as a possible terrorist, has decided to expand the no-fly watchlists to include all carbon life forms. This measure is being called draconian by some and political correctness run amok by others. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano argues that the new measure will ensure that no one will ever be endangered on American flights again, while also ensuring that no form of profiling is used to screen passengers.

"This ideal situation will save both lives and feelings," Napolitano said. "Pilots and crew can still fly U.S. aircraft, but only luggage and other nonliving entities will be allowed to fly along with them." When asked how passengers will be able to get to their intended locations without being allowed to fly, Napolitano said that her department is still reviewing security procedures with other intelligence officials.

Some critics argue that this plan does not go far enough. An anonymous intelligence officer believes that pilots and crew need to be added to the no-fly lists, and thinks robots could be used instead to pilot planes and fly the nonliving entities to their destinations.

The airline industry is firmly against these new measures. Industry officials argue that not allowing carbon life forms to fly will be detrimental to profits in an already struggling economy. The hotel industry is even more vocal in their opposition, arguing that non-carbon-based life forms do not tip as well as carbon life forms.

Congress has decided to weigh in by holding hearings.