BARRY AND THE GIANTS

Rahm Emanuel, President Obama's chief of staff, has organized a seance with the president, Michelle Obama, and David Axelrod, one of his top advisors. They are attempting to ascertain the opinions of fellow Democrats who have passed on from this mortal coil...

Rahm Emanuel: Mr. President, we are all here, would you like to try this here in the oval office, or another room?

Barack Obama: Here's fine, unless Michelle prefers somewhere else.

Michelle Obama: You wanna do this here!? This is like the dirtiest room in this shack. Alright fine. ALRIGHT! Fine.

David Axelrod: Listen to me. This is the best place. I mean everyone we want to reach has been here at one time.

BO: Ok, we do it here. Come on. What do we have to do, sit in a circle and hold hands?

RE: I don't think it really matters if we hold hands, but we need a medium. One of us has to channel the spirits of the former presidents.

MO: That's gonna be me white boy.

RE: Fine, fine, Michelle. I'll turn the lights down... Now everybody concentrate. We want Roosevelt. Concentrate on Roosevelt... Mr. Roosevelt, are you there?...

MO: AAAAayhayyayayyyayayyayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... What the hell do you want!

RE: Uhhh, Mr. President?

MO channeling Franklin D. Roosevelt: What on earth was that noise? Is the depression over yet? Last I remember the war was bringing us out of it.

BO: Mr. President, I can't believe I'm talking to you. I just took office a few weeks ago...

FDR: My God, you're... Holy...

BO: Yes, half black. Can we discuss that later? I think we're in a depression again. I need your help.

FDR: Well son, I did something right. I was elected four times. I bet no one has beaten that record, huh?

BO: Well, sir, we're limited to a maximum of two terms now.

FDR: What? What the hell have you people been doing?

BO: We've been spending. Spending a lot. The people, and the government. And now all the banks won't lend. I've been trying to spend more, but so far that doesn't seem to help.

FDR: So what, bread lines? What's the unemployment rate? You have to get it down to at most maybe 15%.

BO: It's about 8% sir. No, food is pretty plentiful. Everyone has cell phones, plasma TVs, multiple cars, but people can't pay their mortgages....

FDR: 8 GODDAMN PERCENT!? You broke up my card game for this!? What the hell you complaining about? When I was your age, do you know we used to eat cockroaches and drink muddy poop water?

BO: Sir, I certainly understand...

FDR: No you don't son. Say, is this woman your wife? Wowwee.

BO: Yes, sir, I appreciate that but...

FDR: Look I was playing poker with Nixon before you interrupted me. Huh, I still can't believe another Republican actually became president, but look, I gotta go.

BO: But if I could...

DA: Mr. President? Mr. President, this is David Axelrod, senior advisor to President Obama. I just want to say that this is just such an honor for me to be able to actually be speaking with you.

BO: Dave, not now please.

MO channeling Harry S. Truman: Who the hell is this? Am I on television? Damn it's hot, but if you can't stand the heat... How did that go again?...

BO: President Truman? Mr. President, I'm Barack Obama.

HST: You're a WHAT?

BO: Barack Obama, I'm the president now.

HST: Obama. No. Sounds Japanese.... Couldn't be...

BO: I'm African-American.

HST: Afr... what's that. Oh I see, you're black. I knew the American people would come around. I always supported racial equality. Say, who was the first black president?

BO: I am sir.

HST: What year is this?

BO: 2009 sir.

HST: 2... damn. So what am I doing here? What are the Japs up to anyway?

BO: Well, sir, actually, could I get some advice on some domestic matters? Our economy is really bad right now, and I'm just trying to do something to get things back on the right track.

HST: Have you tried a few bombs?

BO: Umm...

HST: We must have some pretty big ones now. Keep those Japs at bay.

BO: We're actually very friendly with the Japanese sir.

HST: Are there any goddamn Republicans left? Those do-nothing bastards.

BO: I certainly understand how you feel, sir, but about the economy.

HST: To hell with them! You know, if you're unpopular, that's a good thing. Don't let them walk all over you. And don't apologize for anything!

DA: Mr. President? Mr. President, this is David Axelrod, senior advisor to President Obama. I just want to say that this is just such an honor for me to be able to actually be speaking with you.

BO: You just said that Dave!

DA: What can I say, I like both of them!

BO: Mr. President. Mr. President!

MO channeling John F. Kennedy: Aww, I must be in some kind of ah, some kind of ah, my Gawwd, is this the White House?

BO: Mr. Kennedy? Mr. President?

JFK: Hello Marilyn.

BO: Ah, no sir. This is Barack Obama. I'm president now.

JFK: Who is that gaahhgeous woman?!

BO: That's my wife sir.

JFK: Mmmmmm. So yaw the president now? Uh, say, is Teddy hanging in there?

BO: He's still fighting sir.

JFK: He always had haahht.

BO: Sir, could I get your advice on what to do about a horrible economy? Oh my God, I'm talking to JFK. I idolize you and model myself after you sir, and I just want to say this is an honor.

DA: Mr. President? Mr. President, this is David Axelrod....

BO: Shut up Dave!

JFK: I just cahn't understahnd why every young person treats me like Gawwd. I really wasn't that smaht. I mean riding in an open caahhh... So the economy huh? You need an enormous tax cut. You have to take care of the rich to get new jobs. Uh, say, I have to ahsk, how did Vietnam turn out?

BO: Don't ahsk.

JFK: Oh well. Gawwd your wife is beautiful.

MO channeling FDR: Hey Kennedy, I saw her first!

MO channeling JFK: Mr. Roosevelt, may I ahsk you to please go back to your stupid card game?

MO channeling FDR: You are so overrated!

BO: Mr. President, uh, all of you presidents. Can you please help me out here? These are serious times. Now I don't have time to mess around. I need to know how to calm the markets and get jobs created. I need to know, and I really appreciate the fact that all of you are here, but let's focus.

MO: Aaaaaaaarrararablblblbl *SPLAT*

BO: Michelle, Michelle! Are you OK?

MO: What happened? Why am I flat on the floor?

BO: You were channeling Roosevelt, Truman, and Kennedy!

MO: SAY WHAT?

BO: They were here, they were talking through you. They were even hitting on you!

MO: Rahm, tell this fool to wise up! I don't know how you got me to agree to this stupid thing anyway! I'm outta here! I'm so outta here!

BO: But honey...

RE: Don't bother Barry.

DA: You know, they're right about your wife.

BO: Oh Gawwd.