Anti-Iraq War Left Declares War on Al-Qaeda, Wants to Send Troops to Pakistan for Aggressive Ground War - And While We're at it, Save Darfur!


(Transcript of a speech by Barack Obama, Savior, to an outdoor crowd of at least 5,000 in Madison, Wisconsin.)


Dear Brothers and Sisters who loathe the Iraq War and Hillary Clinton,

I said it in a speech at the Woodrow Wilson Center in Washington ( ref: Obama Pledges Aggressive War on Islamic Extremists), and I say it again. We have to unite against the power and bring the troops home!

****APPLAUSE****

Bush's war has caused thousands of deaths and destroyed a wonderful country that was held together by a glorious dictator. There ain't a dictator we don't like yo, right homeys? (Notice street cred).

****APPLAUSE****

Bush lied, and Hillary Clinton went along with it. We know that war is NEEEVVEER the answer!! We who practice peace in our communities ought to practice it to the world! That's why I support the immediate withdrawal of troops in Iraq, because it's futile and made Al-Qaeda hate us.

****EXTRA APPLAUSE****

Bring those troops home! I got another mission for them. Now, hear me out now. You know, we have to be aggressive against the terrorists. They killed 3000 Americans, and I promise to send the troops over to Pakistan and Afghanistan!

**** DEAFENING SILENCE ****

I mean, Iraq, there aren't any terrorists there. They're in Pakistan and Afghanistan, and I promise more money, more troops and aggressive tactics to win this war on terror, because I may be against war, but I am not against war! We have to find Osama Bin Laden and bring him to America so he can have representation through our legal system, not just throw him in Guantanamo to rot.

*** some applause, mostly lawyers ***

I also pledge tons and tons of diplomatic talks with Syria and Iran. I mean, I ain't no cowboy.

****APPLAUSE****

I also promise to send lots of troops to Darfur to save a bunch of Muslims from killing other Muslims, where there is absolutely no American interest except for making us feel good about ourselves. So all those Save Darfur bumper stickers you have on your Volvos and on your lawns in upper middle class white suburbs, your moral vanity will not be in vain! I know you care about people in Africa! And together, we'll make peace happen!

*** much rejoicing ***