Professor I. Q. Kikwickensticker died yesterday in his office when his head apparently exploded. His colleagues said that he had been reading philosophy since he was 6 and had studied analytical geometry since age 9, and the strain was apparently too much. He was found in his office with a copy of Kantís Critique of Pure Reason on his desk, which one colleague said he had been rereading for the 29th time, "this time to relax." "This is just terrible," his friend Dr. Rudolph Rayndeer said, "he was so smart that he used to argue with his philosophy books, and he would wait for them to reply. When he didnít hear anything he was convinced that he won the argument." His students were visibly shaken; one student, who used to throw things at him during lectures, sobbed that "he used to give lectures and would forget to look at us, and when we raised our hands Ė and he actually noticed Ė he thought we were pointing to the ceiling. Then he would look up and say "I donít see any goldfish." Just for that reason he was our favorite lecturer."

Professor Kikwickensticker was unmarried and unshaven, in fact he never shaved once in his life. He leaves behind two turtles and a pet computer named "Johann," and several professors and students who are still trying to figure out why he used to lecture in the nude.