Mascara Weekend in L.A: Why Doesn't He Want Me? Is it my Shoes? Another Story about Sex in Either L.A. or New York, This time L.A.I met this guy at a fondue restaurant who was TOTALLY hot, even though he wasn't wearing any Gucci, but I could tell this time he would be so totally perfect and it would last forever! So I invited him over to watch a French movie.
He knocked on the door with conviction, like a man who knew what he wanted and when (hopefully in a couple of hours, after we've heard French for a while and I rub his thigh with my toes and we've been drinking Merlot, and the lighting is soft and we've been discussing the Riviera...)
"Hello Tom, come in darling."
"Hi Brianna, my you look lovely. Are those incandescent light bulbs? Oh my God, don't you know that they are very inefficient? I only use fluorescents in my apartment."
"Oh, well I've been planning to change, but oh, you do look gr-oooooovy." I gave him a nice wet kiss and grabbed his butt, but he didn't seem too excited.
"I-I-I-I uh I guess incandescent bubbl- bulbs are ok."
"Why don't you get comfy sweetie, I'll get you a drink."
I went over to the decanter and poured some nice, dry, full-bodied Merlot for both of us.
"Oh sorry, I don't drink wine. I heard that there are chemicals in the processing that can cause cancer in rats in large doses, and I even wrote to the FDA about it but I haven't gotten any response yet. I guess they don't...
"Uhhh. Ok, honey, no problem. I've got this French movie "Les Enfants du Paradis", that I thought we could watch."
"I don't watch anything on TV, I'm afraid I'll get a seizure. How about we just talk about social progress?"
I drank that wine down real fast, and I drank his glass too. At this point I started to think I made a big mistake, or maybe it's just me. Maybe he hates my dress! I don't know. Every time I find a cute guy, he turns out to be a jerk or a freak. Why does everything happen to me? Why can't a find a rich lawyer!!!
"You know I've been writing a book about some ideas I have for becoming an agent of change in a global economy. It's all these multinational corporations that are taking..."
I was so pissed off now, I was drinking straight from the bottle. What an ugly little bastard he was. I bet he never even had sex before *burp*. Goddamn men, they're so in love with themselves or their toys or , they're just *hiccup* plain weird. Is it my shoes? Red shoes. Red Prada shoes, and all he cares about is the goddamn global economy!
"... my sociology professor said, so I published my study..."
"Hey, hey idiot!!"
"Is it my shoes? What does a successful single woman in a big city have to do to get some action? Don't you like boob jobs?"
"I-I never really thought about it. Though I think they're pretty dangerous."
"GET OUT!! Get outta here you little twerp before I start whining about those stupid Sex and the City reruns on TBS with all the swearing edited out! Get out before I break this bottle over your head. Get out... Oh you are out. Damn he ran so fast I didn't even see him *hiccup*. I love being liberated!!!!"
The End, Totally