THE MARXIST FEMINIST OPPRESSED WOMYN'S CLUB QUALIFICATION EXAMINATION
1. Men are _____.
a) brown smelly sticky sludge
b) systematic greedmongers who purposely devise schemes to make womyn miserable
d) brainless scumbags who smell like semen
2. What is the purpose of the current American male-dominated legal system?
a) to legalize rape
b) to legalize hate
c) to deprive womyn of their reproductive rights
d) all of the above
3. Pre-womyn should be taught about ____ in elementary school.
d) their subjugation by oppressive testosterone-driven males who have traditionally marginalized womyn, minorities, and homosexuals because of their fear that the other guys are tougher, and that pre-womyn have to fight the power their entire lives by first, believing that they are subjugated and inferior, and second, spending their whole lives with a chip on their shoulders trying to equalize the situation.
4. If one of these male demons looks at you, what should you do?
a) assume that he is merely taking advantage of the inherent injustice of double standards in the so-called dating game, and gently tell him this which should get rid of him
b) assume that he is purposely set to put a ring on your finger and rape you for the rest of your life
c) assume that he is a misguided latent homosexual
d) assume that he has found the truth and is trying to tell you that he understands the system is corrupt and wants to help you in your quest for justice, i.e., he's gay
5. Breast cancer is the number one killer among _____.
a) womyn of color aged 30-50
b) womyn of non-color aged 30-50
c) lesbian womyn
6. When that male demon from question 4 continues to stare at you after you make it clear that he is either trying to take advantage of you, or rape you, or is a latent homosexual, or is homosexual, you should _____.
a) call the Association of Womyn Lawyers Who Don't Bake Cookies and file a sexual harassment claim
b) run away and scream "i'm oppressed, i'm oppressed!!..."
c) call him a jerk, buy a gallon of chocolate ice cream, binge, and call your therapist
d) kick him in the balls
7. When the male teammates on your coed volleyball team refuse to set you up for a spike, you should immediately _____.
c) scream at them and call them oppressive testosterone-driven etc. etceteras.
d) kick 'em in the balls
8. If someone at the next Lilith Fair asks you how to channel the life force from the nature goddess, how should you respond?
a) "Meet me at Barnes & Noble's next week during their nature goddess ovular" (or seminar, for those who don't get it).
b) "I learned it last year on Earth Day."
c) "Wow, doesn't it hurt to get your tongue pierced?"
d) "Do you think it's possible to be pro-womyn without being anti-men?"
9. When you forget to wear your AIDS ribbon to the National Museum of Womyn's Art, how can you explain yourself to someone who stares at you funny?
a) "my partner forgot to get me one"
b) "i really do care!"
c) "i'm not a homophobe!"
d) "Most AIDS ribbons are manufactured by companies with male CEOs. I'm not wearing mine to protest the glass ceiling"
10. You have a choice between either seeing Alanis Morisette or Sarah McLachlan. They're both here at the same time on the same day. How to get out of this dilemma?
a) Sarah's better, Alanis can wait
b) Alanis is better, Sarah can wait
c) They both portray womyn as strong and career-oriented. It doesn't matter
d) The Alanis concert will have more lesbians at it. I'll go there