THE CORPORATE MARKETING QUALIFICATION EXAMINATION

Note: Please donít sell this to anyone

 

1. Your boss has just told you that you need to sell $10,000 worth of wacky widgets to a potential wacky widget client. How should you respond to this?

  1. "OK."
  2. "What the hell is a wacky widget?"
  3. "Guaranteed, I can sell it within the hour, let me get my rolodex. Hahahahahahaha!
  4. "Huh? Sorry, I was cleaning my ears."

 

2. The best way to build up a customer base is to _______.

  1. pander
  2. ponder
  3. fondle
  4. wander

 

3. Marketing is a _______.

  1. religion
  2. major in college for alcoholic fraternity brothers
  3. fraud
  4. way to pay for my BMW

 

4. While giving your spiel to a customer in the conference room, you notice an annoying itch in your right nostril. What should you do?

  1. ignore it, donít stop now!
  2. If your itching and you know it, scratch your nose.
  3. Yawn, put your hand over your mouth, and quickly let the tip of your finger go into your nostril, thereby getting some relief.
  4. Snort loudly

 

5. The smell of my breath is _______.

  1. very important to me
  2. somewhat important to me
  3. not at all important to me
  4. putrid

 

6. An engineer walks into your office and says "wacky widgets have a metallic hardness quotient of .8 which is higher than their coefficient of static friction on a 40 degree incline of .7439823 and therefore are resistant to vibrations of 100 khz which is lower than their resonant frequency of 91824 khz at 20 degrees Celsius, although the amount of torque it can handle at its center of mass is 234 ft.-lbs/sq. in. according to the second law of thermodynamics." How do you translate this to your boss?

  1. these widgets are cool!
  2. Theyíre hard, sticky, and durable
  3. Itís doable, itís doable
  4. Ahhbaahaabbbaaahabbaahbabbaa

 

7. THE best beer is _______.

  1. Bud
  2. Bud
  3. Bud
  4. Bud

 

8. At meetings, I am always _______.

  1. talking
  2. talking very loudly
  3. drinking
  4. sleeping

 

9. While negotiating a price to your client, you realize that you have just about closed a deal, and that you did a great job and your boss will be really happy. What would be your most likely reaction to this realization?

  1. The real credit goes to the engineers and manufacturers who worked ceaselessly to make such a great product.
  2. Iíll probably be able to buy a Mercedes now!
  3. Goiní drinkiní tonight!
  4. I have the power to take over the universe!!!!!!!!!

 

10. You have been notified that there will be massive layoffs in engineering and marketing, soon. What will be your gut reaction?

  1. Goiní drinkiní tonight!
  2. Goiní drinkiní at lunch!
  3. Gotta go buy some Bud!
  4. "Buuuuuurrrrrrppp."