Lone Sudden Jihad Sympathizer Questionnaire
(To determine whether one is independently capable of a blessed martyrdom operation based only on sympathy for al-Qaeda)
1. I went to a psychiatrist (yeah, some uncovered femaleÖ you believe that?!) and she told me I have anger management problems, a severe compulsive disorder, and dry skin. She asked me if I ever felt like committing violent acts. I said _____.
- You should cover your head, you unbelieving daughter of Satan
- Iíd never do anything to hurt anyone
- Only against you
- Yes, especially when I think about that criminal infidel crusader Bush! And the Jews
- I wanna go home!
2. Would you ever consider killing someone if that person said something negative about the Blessed Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him)?
- I donít really feel like it
- Maybe on a good day after I watch Sesame Street
- Whoís the Blessed Prophet?
- Definitely! But only if it involved Persian fingernail torture first
- I donít want to think about it. I donít want to think about it! I want Elmo!!
3. My favorite TV show back home was _____.
- Name That Cave!
- The Apprentice Jew-baiting Swordsman
- My Favorite Imam
- Sixteen Brides For Four Brothers
- Candid Camel
4. Most people would describe me as ____.
- Slightly deranged
- Too sexy for my shirt
- Just your average latte-drinking smug 20-something liviní it up in L.A.
- Always wearing a sweater, even when itís really hot
- An extremely deranged bearded loner who talks constantly about the plight of the Palestinians and threatens mass murder against all unbelievers
5. My favorite sports team is the ____.
- Anaheim Mighty Ducks
- Texas Rangers
- Tabuk Goatherding Mujahadeen of Arabia
- Atlanta Falcons
- Los Angeles Dodgers
6. If there really were an old woman who lived in a shoe, ____.
- She was probably a whorish heathen brothel owner who deserved the wrath of Allah and a severe beating
- That would be really weird, dude!
- All of the above and below
- All of the below
- All of the above
7. When driving my SUV along a crowded street with pedestrians often walking in front of me, sometimes I feel like _____.
- Stopping and saying yo to my drinkiní buds who happen to be walking on the sidewalk wearing shorts in cold weather with their baseball hats on sideways
- I donít drive SUVs cuz theyíre like so totally bad for the planet and stuff
- Stopping at Starbucks and getting a grande half-soy half-non-fat milk half-caf sugar-free hazelnut latte no whip extra hot
- Slamming on the accelerator and driving into a crowd of decadent infidels while screaming about the lack of halal food in L.A. and killing as many of them as possible
- Hugging my Barbie doll
8. What would you say is your general anger level right now?
- All of the above
- Stop asking me all these ****ing questions and give me some explosives so I can ****ing blow up some ****ing stupid **** **** people for cheating me and for all the ****ing abuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Very low
- Fahrenheit or Celsius?
- I love sireeeens! Woo woo woo woo wooo woooooooooo!
9. You say tomato, I say ____.
- Pituitary gland
- Allah is Great
- Who the hell writes these things?
10. Imagine if you could meet Osama bin Laden right now. What would you do?
- Who dat?
- Isnít he the scapegoat for the 9/11 attacks, which were an inside job by the neocons???!!!
- Scream like a girl and cry!
- Call my cousin Habib
- Pick my nose