Lone Sudden Jihad Sympathizer Questionnaire

(To determine whether one is independently capable of a blessed martyrdom operation based only on sympathy for al-Qaeda)

1. I went to a psychiatrist (yeah, some uncovered femaleÖ you believe that?!) and she told me I have anger management problems, a severe compulsive disorder, and dry skin. She asked me if I ever felt like committing violent acts. I said _____.

  1. You should cover your head, you unbelieving daughter of Satan
  2. Iíd never do anything to hurt anyone
  3. Only against you
  4. Yes, especially when I think about that criminal infidel crusader Bush! And the Jews
  5. I wanna go home!

2. Would you ever consider killing someone if that person said something negative about the Blessed Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him)?

  1. I donít really feel like it
  2. Maybe on a good day after I watch Sesame Street
  3. Whoís the Blessed Prophet?
  4. Definitely! But only if it involved Persian fingernail torture first
  5. I donít want to think about it. I donít want to think about it! I want Elmo!!

3. My favorite TV show back home was _____.

  1. Name That Cave!
  2. The Apprentice Jew-baiting Swordsman
  3. My Favorite Imam
  4. Sixteen Brides For Four Brothers
  5. Candid Camel

4. Most people would describe me as ____.

  1. Slightly deranged
  2. Too sexy for my shirt
  3. Just your average latte-drinking smug 20-something liviní it up in L.A.
  4. Always wearing a sweater, even when itís really hot
  5. An extremely deranged bearded loner who talks constantly about the plight of the Palestinians and threatens mass murder against all unbelievers

5. My favorite sports team is the ____.

  1. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
  2. Texas Rangers
  3. Tabuk Goatherding Mujahadeen of Arabia
  4. Atlanta Falcons
  5. Los Angeles Dodgers

6. If there really were an old woman who lived in a shoe, ____.

  1. She was probably a whorish heathen brothel owner who deserved the wrath of Allah and a severe beating
  2. That would be really weird, dude!
  3. All of the above and below
  4. All of the below
  5. All of the above

7. When driving my SUV along a crowded street with pedestrians often walking in front of me, sometimes I feel like _____.

  1. Stopping and saying yo to my drinkiní buds who happen to be walking on the sidewalk wearing shorts in cold weather with their baseball hats on sideways
  2. I donít drive SUVs cuz theyíre like so totally bad for the planet and stuff
  3. Stopping at Starbucks and getting a grande half-soy half-non-fat milk half-caf sugar-free hazelnut latte no whip extra hot
  4. Slamming on the accelerator and driving into a crowd of decadent infidels while screaming about the lack of halal food in L.A. and killing as many of them as possible
  5. Hugging my Barbie doll

8. What would you say is your general anger level right now?

  1. All of the above
  2. Stop asking me all these ****ing questions and give me some explosives so I can ****ing blow up some ****ing stupid **** **** people for cheating me and for all the ****ing abuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. Very low
  4. Fahrenheit or Celsius?
  5. I love sireeeens! Woo woo woo woo wooo woooooooooo!

9. You say tomato, I say ____.

  1. Pituitary gland
  2. Tomaahhhhhto
  3. Shnurkles!
  4. Allah is Great
  5. Who the hell writes these things?

10. Imagine if you could meet Osama bin Laden right now. What would you do?

  1. Who dat?
  2. Isnít he the scapegoat for the 9/11 attacks, which were an inside job by the neocons???!!!
  3. Scream like a girl and cry!
  4. Call my cousin Habib
  5. Pick my nose