The Al-Qaeda and/or Umbrella Organizations’ Jihadist Recruitment Qualification Exam (Praise Allah!)

Note: This test requires that you have already been declared a Jihadist of Record by Ayman Al-Zawahiri (Peace Be Upon Him). Otherwise, you are invited to take the Lone Sudden Jihad Sympathizer Questionnaire, available at

Jihadist of Record Form

Dear Jihadist,

Please read carefully the criteria and instructions. In order for our staff to review your request, you must submit the following, along with this form, and sign below:

1) An essay of 500 words or less on why you would like to be a jihadist. Please include an oath to defend Allah and die for Him at any cost.
2) A recommendation letter from your imam indicating your willingness to kill little kids (even supposedly “Muslim” ones, you know, like those Sufis) for Allah.
3) Your educational background
4) Marital status (if married, include your wives’ names)
5) Your plans for promoting jihad. (Ex. Develop web sites, create videos, etc.)

Our review process takes approximately 2-4 months. We ask for your patience as we are working with a large number of jihadists. All submissions are reviewed in the order in which they are received.

Jihadist’s Authorized Signature _________________________
Date ___________________

The Al-Qaeda and/or Umbrella Organizations’ Jihadist Recruitment Qualification Exam (Praise Allah!)

1. When I get really angry, I like to ___

  1. Draw pictures
  2. Meditate
  3. Exercise
  4. Write poetry
  5. Chop off the heads of little animals with my sword

2. If a Jew tried to attack me so he could drink my blood, I would ___

  1. Read him a selection from Deepak Chopra’s last book
  2. Spray the vermin son of a whore in the eyes with bug spray, and then sit on him and light a stick of dynamite and put it into my mouth, so I may die and go to Paradise and he may go to everlasting darkness
  3. Run away and scream
  4. Let him kill me because I am like a self-loathing Western infidel
  5. Cry

3. If Akhnad gives you a dollar, and then Mahmoud gives you another dollar, how many dollars does that make?

  1. A duck
  2. 11
  3. Allahu Akbarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
  4. 2
  5. Wait, I’m still thinking!

4. If I see a grown woman with her head uncovered, which of the following would be my reaction?

  1. You go girl! Stick it to the patriarchy!
  2. She’s wicked hot, like a totally skeezy bee-yotch! Take it all off, ho!
  3. I wish I had a 2 x 4 so I could beat the woman senseless and put her in a burqa!
  4. Women should be able to wear whatever they please, because I agree with the Western ideal of democracy and equality
  5. Who cares; I really don’t look at women anyway. Men are more interesting to look at

5. If I were sent on a martyrdom operation, and for some reason I were caught by the Americans, how would I react?

  1. I would immediately confess and tell them everything they want to know, because it ain’t worth it dude
  2. I would break down and cry and claim that society did this to me.
  3. I would exclaim “Allahu Akbar!”, refuse to tell them my name, and repeatedly say “You are torture me, I am torture, everybody you are torture me! You flushed my Qu’ran!”
  4. Uhhhhhhhh
  5. Do these questions have to be so hard?

6. An infidel invites you to Denny’s. You order the grand slam breakfast, and the server asks you “would you like bacon or sausage?” Your reply is ….

  1. Do you have turkey bacon?
  2. Can I substitute sheep eyes or goat testicles?
  3. Taking out my machete and chopping off the server’s hand, then pouring gasoline… oh wait, I probably wouldn’t have any gas… pouring syrup all over my body and demanding a lighter (hey, it may not be flammable but it’ll scare the heck out of them).
  4. No hablo ingles!
  5. I’m siiiiiinging in the rain, just siiiiiiiinging in the rain!

7. The word Islam means ____ .

  1. "Submission”
  2. “Secretion”
  3. “Seduction”
  4. “Seclusion”
  5. “Have a nice day”

8. A good and righteous soldier of Allah must pray ____ times a day.

  1. 14,297
  2. 5
  3. Beheading
  4. Mesothelioma
  5. -12

9. Before trying to ignite liquid explosives in your underwear, remember to always ____ first.

  1. Pray
  2. Go to the men’s room
  3. Hiccup
  4. Hook up
  5. Wait a minute… if I ignite this, how can I enjoy my 72 virgins in paradise? It’ll blow my penis right off.

10. When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of ____.

  1. Blowing up into a thousand bloody pieces and oozing all over the Jews
  2. Slaughtering and butchering every infidel on the planet and then beheading myself
  3. Melting and turning into a gas and evaporating after being burned alive by a gasoline explosion
  4. Dancing in tights in a theater in Manhattan while adoring young males throw flowers and their underwear on stage
  5. Screw this, how the hell do I get outta here! I don’t wanna be a martyr anymore! I’ll go back to that psychologist mom recommended and start group therapy if you just let me outta this madrasah!