My Carbon Footprint Stepped on My Water Footprint, and I Have Nothing to Wearrrrr!

Ground Loco II Entertainment News Reporter Studley Reemer Reporting

Ok, first I have to tell you that I am soooo sick of my clothes. I know it's cliche but I don't have a THING to wear. I'm serious. It's like the more clothes I buy the less I have to wear.

And if that's not enough to worry about, the planet is like soooo screwed up. I'm like getting all my crises mixed up. I can only worry about so many things at once, but the EXPERTS whoever they are keep telling us about carbon footprints and water footprints, and seriously, I'm gonna screeeeeam because I just can't handle all this guilt anymore! I mean, I suppose it depends on the brands of shoes you wear, but my footprints are pretty big, heels or not. And all the experts keep telling us to shrink our footprints or we'll all DIE almost immediately. Now I can't drive big cars or I have to buy carbon offsets, but I can't take long showers either, or whole continents will dry up? Where do I buy my water offsets? Neiman-Marcus?

Honestly, if these intellectual pipsqueak tightwads who are IN CHARGE keep telling me about my footprints, I am gonna stick my high heels right up their offsets. I'm not a violent man but they're gonna have to pry my massaging shower head out of my cold, dead hands. I'm not turning my lights off for Earth Hour or Earth Day or Earth Month until Al Gore puts on some decent makeup and earrings.

Purple Al?

And the United Nations control freaks who tell me to stop using water - don't make me come over there and bitch slap all you divas. I learned how to do smack people when I was on Jerry Springer. Maybe you all should learn how to take a shower once in a while... it would do you and everyone else a lot of good.