Al-Qaeda Threatens to Waste Electricity, Burn Fossil Fuels, and Drive SUVs Until All Infidels Turn to the True Religion. The Entire Western World Declares All-Out War to Save the Planet: Aging Environmentalist Hippies Volunteering in Droves for Military Service.

Usama bin Laden has warned the West that Al-Qaeda is planning to buy thousands of SUVs and run their engines 24 hours a day and burn fuels to release huge amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere until the West accepts the true religion of the Prophet (PBUH). Bin Laden also demanded that all Muslims leave their lights on 24 hours a day in order to defeat the infidels.

In response, many of the biggest critics of the so-called "War on Terror" have decided to join the fight for the survival of the planet. Many countries, even France, have reinstituted the draft, though millions of people from around the world have volunteered for military service.

Scientist and activist Stephen Hawking recommends total war to destroy Al-Qaeda to avert global catasrophe.

Pony-tailed middle aged hippies are getting buzzcuts and carrying machine guns, and have even volunteered to suicide bomb Al-Qaeda targets.

Hundreds of American colleges and universities have been emptied of students who have donned camos and are on the way to Somalia, Afghanistan, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan in order to save the planet. Many are carrying posters that say "We gotta do something before, like, they destroy the environment!"

Sir David Attenborough, "the elder statesman of the natural world," has volunteered to waterboard any "&$%#@$-ing &#$%@" at Gitmo to stop any impending CO2 emission by potential terrorist cells.

Jimmy Carter says bomb the f*** out of them before the genitals of polar bears shrink anymore.

Surround the bastards and kill them!

James Baker and the ISG have revised their recommendations for the situation in Iraq. The group now recommends action that can be summed up by the acronym TMNA: Total Mesopotamian Nuclear Annihilation.

Vladimir Putin has recommended polonium poisoning of the entire population of Chechnya.

The premier global authority on global warming, Al Gore, has been unable to comment due to his recent admission to the Psychiatric Institute of Washington. Doctors believe that he may be able to speak again, eventually.