Dear Mr. President Bush,

Allah be praised!

How everything is going? I hope you are well. Nice weather huh?

Ok, infidel, I tell you something.

We must talk about some new solutions about this nuke thing. Previously, maybe I have said some unkind words, but really I like you and especially your friend Dick Cheney. You know, we want peace. We are peaceful people. We need electricity because we need to read our Qu'rans, but to read them we need uranium. It is our right as Allah's people. So why you are giving us hard time? That thing about Israel I said, you know I don't mean it. But all the Iranian people, they hate Jews, so I have to say these things. Like you say things you know? My best friend is Micah Goldstein, he lives in Brooklyn. But this is secret. I love Jews, I love Broadway! Why you think I would try to make a nucular... nuculear... nuclear weapon? Anyway, I am not threat really.

Let us consider your position, which is in deep trouble. Democracy is overrated. My peoples, they are happy. Your peoples are all miserable, rich, fat, botoxed, hollow. My peoples are simple and they like me. They love the mullahs. Your peoples are repressed by your cruelty. My peoples, they can say and do anything they want because Sharia makes them free. And the whole world hates you now, because you are a terrorist. We just want freedom from your tyranny. But I am willing to be nice to you. Let's solve this conflict. You are wrong, we are nice, so shut up.

Pleeeeaaaaase we don't want sanctions! See, I write a nice letter. First time in 27 years!

Want to see some nice pictures?

This is me and my friends. I am telling them to sit with me, and you see they can't wait to be near me.

This is me licking my friend Abu's hands. He is very tasty and a righteous soldier of Allah.

Now see, this I am explaining to people the size of my sausage. I have very big sausage. Nobody has bigger one, except maybe your friend Dick Cheney.

Ahhh! This one of me and the militia watching football on giant plasma TV! Can't wait for the World Cup! See, we need nuclear power to set up more plasma TVs! World Cup waayyy more important than destroying Israel.

What else I can say. We are just having fun in my country. We love peace. Anyway, I am happy to write to you, I hope you are having a nice day, and I look forward to hearing from you. My love to Laura and the kids.

Your friend,