Dark and Deathly Twilight Doubleheaders: A Novel about an Undead Half Breed Who Just Loves Baseball and Is Really Good at Remembering StatisticsVictor was born in a small town where everyone hates vampires and loves baseball. Little did he know that his mother actually was a vampire, and his father didn't find out until the day he decided to make garlic soup. His father left, moving to California to become a full-time professional baseball umpire for the San Diego Padres. Victor wanted to be an umpire too, but it was a struggle because Victor had to come to terms with his father's absence and his angst-ridden existence as half vampire and half umpire.
Victor got his chance to be home umpire for the AA league in Littletown IN on May 27. It was the most exciting, yet most excruciating day of his life. Calling balls and strikes, right behind the catcher's neck! He was terrified that he would lose control and sink his teeth into a catcher and suck his delicious, warm blood, and miss a call!
"Play ball!" Victor shouted on May 27, in Littletown IN, the most exciting yet excruciating yadda yadda.
Victor called balls and strikes for most of the game, but with increasing difficulty. The players and the fans were yelling at him for bad calls. But when one player argued a strike and called his mother a deranged blood-sucking vampire who slept with the entire team, Victor's eyes turned yellow and his fangs came out. He bit Tom Wensell, the catcher of the Littletown Giants, and drank all of his blood, despite the fact that his slugging percentage was above .600. With blood pouring down his face he went after all the players with a batting average below .250 and an on-base percentage above .300. The fans had cleared the stadium by now, so he went after the mascot, the Littletown Giants Chicken.
"This is for being mascot of a team that has a better winning percentage when leading by 2 runs by the fifth inning than when going into the sixth inning tied up!", he yelled as he bit the chicken.
Finally, George Hoffman, the first baseman who averaged 1.4 steals per game (and 1.8 on the road) hit Victor with his bat and knocked him down, while the rest of the teammates whose fielding percentages were above .947 pummeled him.
"Quick, get that spike!", George said.
"George, you don't have the guts to stab me through the heart. You ground into double plays 24% of the time you have runners in scoring position!", cried Victor.
"I sure would you meanie," George said as he used his bat to drive a spike right through his heart.
"Argggh. Ouuuuuurrrr. Ouch!" Victor said. "I guess this is it. But at least you can replace the guys who were hitting below .243 in day games . . . " Victor said as he breathed his last.
Then Victor woke up in a sweat. He realized it had all been a terrible nightmare! He decided that he didn't want to be an umpire anymore. No, he decided he would become something more suited to his temperament: a lawyer.