1. A woman comes into your office screaming that she was abducted by a UFO and raped repeatedly. After calming her down, a green 3 foot tall creature walks in and makes some kind of electronic humming noise and telekinetically lifts you off the floor and yells in your face "she raped me!" Who should you offer to represent?

1. the chick
2. the critter
3. yourself
4. i don't have a damn office, i'm not a lawyer yet!
5. O.J.

2. You notice that a mole is growing on your left testicle. What is your immediate gut reaction?

1. I'm gonna sue the sexist pig who wrote this exam for assuming that I'm a man, even though it's not his fault, he's just part of the established patriarchy and is a victim of it.
2. I have testicles?
3. Go to the doctor, quick!
4. Oh well, it's part of the patriarchal conspiracy
5. Masturbate!

3. Chicks will really dig me when I become a lawyer, so do I need to buy a hairpiece?

1. Yes
2. Yeah
3. Maybe
4. *Burp*
5. Why not, I'll be rich soon!

4. A man comes to you and says he was pulled over by two drunk policemen in the middle of farm country, handcuffed, beaten, and tickled. Then some paramedics came and gave him CPR for no good reason because he was breathing fine. Then a couple of biker dudes stole his wallet and his watch. Ten minutes later after everyone left, he got hit with some pigeon tird. Then two underage chicks came by and forced him to have sex with them, but he stole their wallets. Then an airplane dropped some chemicals on him and now he has strange growths all over his body. When he got home his wife beat him up with the coffee table. Then everybody involved storms into your office and wants to sue everyone else. Who do you represent?

1. the man 'cause i feel sorry for him, even though he did get some sex out of it
2. the biker dudes for robbery and not going to sensitivity training
3. what, wasn't there a lawyer involved in the robbery?
4. throw them all out man, i only handle big crimes 'cause i'm awesome
5. O.J.

5. While strolling through the park one day, in the very merry month of May, you are taken by surprise by a pair of rogueish eyes. Apparently he's a plannin' a muggin'. You're a sharp almost-lawyer dude, so you can kick anybody's ass, so how should you handle it?

1. whimper
2. scream
3. "don't you dare touch me, i'm a lawyer you know!"
4. run like hell and yell your head off
5. play dead

6. You went to preppy schools and inherited wealth from your lawyer dad, your lawyer grandfather, your lawyer great grandfather, your lawyer great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great great great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather, your lawyer great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather, and your your lawyer great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather. Now you want to go out and help the poor because you feel their pain. You have the choice of any law school in the country. Where do you go?

1. Harvard
2. Yale
3. Massachusetts Bay Community College
4. I'll just buy my degree dude!
5. Forget it, I want to sing country songs in the trailer all day

7. Mercedes is good, Lexus and Infiniti are too, BMW's nice. But which one will really make me better than everyone else?

1. Doesn't matter, lawyers are better than everyone else no matter what they drive
2. Mercedes
3. It's the house that really matters, and lots of perty things on the mantle
4. I only drive unpronounceable Italian sports cars
5. Cell phones are all that matter

8. Laws are made to be ______.

1. eaten
2. beaten
3. broken
4. token
5. for lawyers to make money

9. My next action in my grand design to rule the world is ______.

1. To find another wife who's richer.
2. To legislate the temperature of the sun.
3. To eat more calcium to build strong bones, because people might try to break them as I take over everything 'cause they're all a bunch of greedy pigs!
4. To buy one of those car alarms with the beeper thing so everyone can know that I have a beeper thing.
5. To find another wife who's richer than another wife who's richer than my wife.

10. You keep getting junk mail from this one place, and they refuse to stop sending it, your mailman refuses to take it back, the post office won't answer your calls, the mayor is busy humpin' your wife who's richer than the other wife who's richer than your wife, the governor is playing with his belly button, and your senator is busy sucking off his PAC. Who can you sue this time?????

1. the mayor
2. the mail carrier, excuse me, mr. patriarch!
3. the universe
4. all the other goddamn lawyers who are taking my potential clients and interfering with my goal to rule the universe
5. O.J.